Tag: suicide

The 2nd Anniversary

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This month was the 2nd anniversary of losing James and just like that’s it’s come and gone. This time I honestly don’t feel in anyway different to what I did a few weeks ago, I thought I would feel a sense of relief when the day passed like I did last year but somehow I feel worst. I think last year was all about getting through the 1st anniversary as everyone knows that will be the worst but what I didn’t realise is this was the first of many events that would bring this same sense of sadness and anguis in the lead up.

The aftermath has become more apparent this year and I’ve discovered that no matter how much I try and resume to what I think is normal life things will never ever be the same, it’s about trying to find a new normal, whatever that may be.

There are still joyful moments in my life, especially with my children but these are also tinged with a sadness in knowing that our James will never be here to share them or experience these for himself.

It’s James’s birthday tomorrow, I’ve been moving around frantically trying to get jobs done in order to distract myself but I can feel that stabbing pain in my stomach knowing my brother will be forever 32. We’re letting biodegrade balloons off with my little boy Jacob and he told me not to be sad as the balloon would go straight up to heaven 🖤 I honestly don’t know where I would be without them.

Grief, Suicide & Covid 19

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I’ve been thinking for a few months now about what I would write about in my first post but then covid 19 came along and it seemed only appropriate to acknowledge the current situation and the thing that is on the forefront of everyone’s mind. 

Since the lockdown officially begun on 20th March I have been doing a lot of walking and running to help me cope with my grief and anxiety. I always wear my headphones and have a playlist on there of all the songs that remind me of James – The Stone Roses, Oasis, Killer by Seal and lot’s of other random tunes he used to sing, play and talk to me about – he was a very musical person and his songs have been a big part of my therapy. I often wonder how he would have coped with all this and often think of all the other people like James who live alone and are struggling with mental health, grief, loneliness and various other debilitating health issues in addition to Covid. I am astonished at the measures the government and public have gone to in order to stop the spread of the virus and offer support throughout this pandemic and please don’t think I am discrediting it, I guess I am just feeling frustrated that are government haven’t taken the same measures (or any at all) to tackle the huge mental health pandemic we are facing. 

800,000 per year die of suicide, this is set to double by the end of 2020

We have already lost 334,461, over double the amount of people lost to covid

Covid is life threatening and mental illness is life threatening, both are devastating and one of the things I can relate to is not being able to hold the hand of your loved one or say goodbye. This is truly heartbreaking and the one of that people grieving a loss to suicide and Covid have in common.